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Dear Care and Feeding,
I don’t have kids, so I’m wondering how to deal with some information I’ve just been given. My sister has a history of being kind of reckless and impulsive, and she frequently tells different stories about the same events to different people in the family. She often comes to me first with information because I try to ask thoughtful questions instead of criticizing her (even though I often want to criticize her!).
This time it’s about her kids: a 5-year-old nonverbal neurodivergent boy and a 4-year-old neurotypical girl. The boy started school a few weeks ago and was placed in a special learning classroom. She started off very excited about the resources and professionals he would have access to. But she just texted me that she decided to unenroll him from school to homeschool both of the kids starting this year. I haven’t gotten the full story on what prompted her to do this, but literally three days ago she was texting the whole family about school fundraisers so it seems like a quick decision.
I know in this moment that she means well, but my sister can’t stick with things. She has started multiple business on a whim and abandoned them overnight. Her first marriage lasted a week. She planned her second wedding to her children’s father and gave us a date and then forgot all about it. She’s constantly announcing new diets or lifestyles on social media and then the next day going in the opposite direction. Big plans that fall through is a significant part of her personality. I hoped it would be different with her kids, but she has already started and abandoned the process of getting a diagnosis and resources for her son multiple times. And she has struggled SO much up to this point with getting her family regulated and on routines. Everyone I know calls her kids “feral” because they have zero sense of regulation or boundaries.
I’m so scared for my nephew’s immediate future. I just know she’ll get bored or overwhelmed with homeschooling pretty fast, but my fear is that she’s headed for a completely aimless “unschool” path that is totally the wrong fit for him. She told me I’m the only one who knows about his unenrollment because she knows everyone else is going to judge her for this decision. I wouldn’t say I’m judging but I am very concerned and completely disagree. How would you approach a plea for her to reconsider?
—Anxious Auntie
Dear Anxious,
On the one hand, your sister seems to have proven her nature time and time again, and it feels unlikely that anything you say is going to alter her decision. On the other, that’s not your niblings’ fault and I know you’re concerned for their well-being and want to help.
Have you tried having a serious chat with her? Ask her why she is making this decision and what changed that dampened her excitement from just a week ago. Why does she think the family will judge her? (I know you know the answer, but ask her to vocalize it.) What will they say about it, and does she think they would be right or wrong? Once you get that conversation going, ask her what her plan is and what a successful homeschooling life looks like to her. You can be honest (and kind) when telling her that you are concerned about this path forward, not because you think she’s acting in bad faith, but because you share her same goal of wanting the best for her kids. You want this to work out for her family, but due to all these concerns you’ve discussed, you’re worried. Would she want you to function as an accountability buddy who can call her on things if they don’t look like they’re working out how she envisioned?
I know that sounds like an interrogation, the way I’ve written it out, but I think you can deliver it in such a way that it creates a good conversation—one where you listen as much or more than you talk. And yes, you’re essentially asking her permission to butt into her life, but that’s the only way I see this working out in a way that doesn’t make her feel alienated or unsupported. Hopefully, she gives you permission to butt in. If not, you’ll have no choice but to stay out of it.
—Allison
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